Regret and Guilt Reflection

Regret and Guilt Reflection 

Back in the old days before everyone had a camera in their pocket, taking photos was a big deal. Photographers used film to snap pictures. They'd click a button to open the camera and let light mix with chemicals on the film to make a picture. It was kind of weird because bright spots looked dark and dark spots looked bright on the film strip they took out of the camera. This was called a "negative." When they printed this negative on paper, the colors would go back to normal. Regrets work a bit like a negative photo of a good life. If we know what people regret the most, we can flip this image to see what they value the most.

So, what do we all really want and need deep down? We all want a bit of stability - a solid base of feeling good in our material, physical, and mental lives. We want to spend some of our time exploring and growing - trying new things and taking chances. We want to do the right thing - to be good people who stick to our values. And we want to connect with others - to build friendships and family ties based on love. It's about having a strong base, being a bit bold, sticking to what's right, and having meaningful relationships. Regret, even though it feels negative, can actually show us how to live a better life. When you look in the mirror, you see one person, but if you look closer, you might see three different sides of yourself.

This idea comes from a motivation theory Tory Higgins, a psychologist at Columbia University, came up with in 1987. Higgins said we all have three versions of ourselves: the "actual self," the "ideal self," and the "ought self." The actual self is who we are right now. The ideal self is who we dream of becoming - our wishes and goals. And the ought self is who we think we should be - our duties and responsibilities. Higgins believed that when these three selves don't match up, it pushes us to take action and go after certain goals. For instance, if I picture myself as healthy and fit but I'm actually lazy and out of shape, that difference might push me to start working out. Likewise, if I believe I should be looking after my elderly relatives but I haven't seen my grandma in ages, I might leave work early to go visit her. But when we don't fix these differences and let the gap between who we are and who we want to be linger, it leaves us feeling unhappy.

"Coulda" regrets tend to linger longer than "shoulda" regrets because many of the latter can be rectified.  Failures to embody our ideal selves signify missed opportunities, while failures to embody our "ought" selves signify unmet responsibilities. All four primary regrets encompass elements of missed opportunities, unfulfilled obligations, or a combination of both.

For instance, regrets related to missed opportunities, such as wishing one had taken a certain risk, solely revolve around the chances we did not seize. There have been several studies done about this and they all pointed to one main idea: people feel more sorry about not living up to their dreams than not meeting their responsibilities. The "coulda" regrets outnumbered the "shoulda" regrets by about three to one. This difference is likely because these two types of regret hit us in different ways emotionally. When we fall short of our ideal selves, it can make us feel downhearted. On the other hand, when we don't live up to our sense of duty, it can make us feel restless and push us to take action. Feeling a sense of urgency about meeting our responsibilities can push us to make things right - like apologizing for mistakes or making amends with those we've hurt.

Regrets about missed opportunities, like wishing I had put in more effort, often revolve around chances we didn't take in areas like education, health, or money. On the other hand, regrets about not reaching out to others are a mix of missed friendship opportunities and not fulfilling our duties to family and friends. Moral regrets, such as wishing I had done the right thing, are about not meeting our responsibilities. Overall, regret usually boils down to missed chances and unmet obligations, with missed opportunities taking the spotlight. 

We often feel more regret about things we didn't do than things we should have done. But we know that a really satisfying life involves a mix of chasing our dreams and meeting our responsibilities. Regret, like a negative photo, shows us that it's important to balance our personal growth goals with taking care of others. A life focused only on duties and no chances to grow can feel limited. On the other hand, a life full of opportunities but lacking in responsibilities can feel hollow. A truly fulfilling life combines both chances to grow and duties to fulfill.